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I Didn’t Have Permission to Fall Apart

  It was Friday morning, back in the big city where my anxiety constantly feeds its roots from everything around me. I was in an important Zoom meeting — one I needed to focus on and take notes during. My mother was at home working too, trying to help with my three-year-old. But he had different plans. He was difficult that morning. Hitting my laptop. Wanting attention. Being loud. I couldn’t handle it. I felt like a bad mother — someone who couldn’t even raise a good child. I felt that everything concerning him was entirely on me. It had already been two weeks of runny noses and tissues all over the house. The workload was extreme, and I couldn’t take it anymore. And then I crashed — like a wave against a rock. My body started shaking. My lungs felt like they were screaming. I was falling into pieces. I hated losing control. And yet, it was liberating to let it all out. I was furious that the entire mental load felt like it was on me. When I say I don’t receive he...
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First vacation after having a child

 

motorcycle, OCD, couple, happy, trip, child

Mixed emotions were boiling in me. For the first time ever I was about to go to on a vacation without my little boy. OK! It is not that big of a deal as he is under 3 years old, however, I have the feeling a part of me is being ripped off. I was so excited and in the meantime very worried to leave my boy. He is used to be with his father and me all the time; however, it seems like he does not care much that we are away. Which both, I enjoy and I am a bit disappointed (I know, I know, I should be happy blah blah). I actually feel very good; I needed this break so much. I decided to take you with me, to write a post for every day. I also want to show you my views and share my experience, thoughts and feelings.

The days before leaving were quite stressful, I still take all my pills for my OCD since I want to secure my well-being on this trip and enjoy my time as much as possible.

Our plan before leaving was:

  • Finish as much work as possible regarding our business – done!
  • Take care of our bees – done! It took us a lot of effort but we made it.
  • Pack everything, including the motorcycle! – done in the last minute, but done!

When we were all ready, we left to my hometown where we spent two nights, did some more work and left our boy to my mother. She took days off her work in order to take care of him. I bet they will have a great time! I hope that the weather will be good, warm and without rain, I have packed my swimming suit I want to wear it!

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