The neighbor situation

It started like a normal day… and ended with my mind turning against me.

It was a busy day for me. In the morning, I was at the bank with my little boy to do some work, then we went to the pharmacy for my medication, followed by shopping at the mall (I hate malls but there is one, a small shopping center in the nearby city and I go there for 3 reasons – toilet and 2 shops). I spent my afternoon in the office, surrounded by people and work. I got home around 5 pm, exhausted. When I left the office I told everybody that I had met enough people for this month and it was just 1^st October. I was happy to be back at home with my little boy and my partner. However, I felt tension building inside me so I decided to take a pill to help me go through the day. I desperately wanted to do something, so I wouldn’t focus on my anxiety, there were no intrusive thoughts yet, but I knew they could come at any moment.

It was about 6 pm at the village I live in. I went outside our house to the car to pick up some bags from the shopping earlier that day. My lovely neighbor, a woman around 60, who often takes care of us by giving us fresh vegetables from her garden, passed by with her German Shepherd (I am afraid of dogs). The dog was on a leash, however, I felt uneasy. We talked a bit about random things and I went inside. The tension in me was still growing. I tried to focus on different things but it only helped for a while.

We were having dinner with my partner, while my son was playing next to the table when he suddenly started crying. I got scared and hugged him, it was nothing, he might have hit his hand. I think that was the last emotion I needed because it hit me hard. An intrusive thought took over my mind. At first, I panicked, still with my son in my hands. I took a deep breath, let him down and shared my thought with my partner. Unfortunately, I felt sick and wanted to vomit, thankfully it did not happen. I asked myself - why now? That was definitely not the right thing to do, but it hit me.

My thought was concerning our neighbor. I remembered a situation I still do not feel good about. During spring, she called me to give me some flowers for the garden and I kindly refused them. I love flowers but we had so much on our minds that this would be more of an obligation than enjoyment. I think she got a bit offended. From time to time, this situation runs through my head, clearly, it’s something that still bothers me. In addition, when we pass by her house, I often hear but do not see her, so I do not greet. I think she sees me because her garden is higher than the road. I still feel bad about it.

So, my conclusion is that those “hidden” emotions in me towards this lady created more situations (in my mind) for me to experience those emotions or to be a reminder of how rude or ungrateful I am. Both of which are behaviors I dislike. I will try to talk with her about it, share my feelings and see how it goes.

I know that living with such emotions is not good for me and creates hard times. Therefore, it is best to be open about yourself and not hold onto things that make you feel uncomfortable.

Also, when having such thoughts, remember to look for evidence that supports them — usually there is none. 😊

If a situation kept replaying in your mind long after it happened:

→ How I Learned Not to Believe Everything I Think  

→ OCD as a reminder of the present