It was a busy day for me. In the morning I was
in the bank with my little boy to do some work, after that we went to the
pharmacy for my medication, followed by shopping at the mall (I hate malls but
there is one, a small shopping center in the near city and I go there for 3
reasons – toilet and 2 shops). I spent my afternoon in the office, surrounded
by people and work. I got home around 5 pm exhausted. When I left the office I
told everybody that I have met enough people for this month and it was just 1st
October. I was happy to be back at home with my little boy and my partner.
However, I felt some tension in me so I decided to take a pill to help me go
through the day. I desperately wanted to do something, in order not to focus on
my anxiety, since there were no intrusive thoughts but I knew the possibility
of them coming is high.
It was about 6 pm at the village I live in. I
went outside our house to the car to pick up some bags from the shopping
earlier that day. My lovely neighbor, around 60 years old woman, who often
takes care of us by giving us fresh vegetables from her garden, passed by with
her German Sheppard (I am afraid of dogs). The dog was on a leash, however, I
felt uneasy. We talked a bit about random things and I went inside. The tension
in me was still growing. I tried to focus on different things but it helped
just for a while.
We were having dinner with my partner, while my
son was playing next to the table when he suddenly started crying. I got scared
and hugged him, it was nothing, he might have hit his hand. I think that was
the last emotion I needed because it hit me hard. The intrusive thought
possessed my mind. At first, I panicked, still with my son in my hands. I took
a deep breath; let him down and shared my thought with my partner.
Unfortunately, I felt sick and wanted to vomit, thankfully it did not happen. I
asked myself - why now? It was definitely not the right step to do, but it hit
me.
My thought was concerning our neighbor. I
remembered a situation I still do not feel good about. During spring, she
called me to give me some flowers for the garden and I kindly refused them. I
love flowers but we had so much on our minds that this would be more of an
obligation than enjoyment. I think she got a bit offended. From time to time
this situation runs through my head, apparently it is something that bothers
me. In addition, when we pass by her house, I often hear but do not see her, so
I do not greet. I think she sees me because her garden is higher than the road.
I feel bad about it.
So, my conclusion is that those “hidden”
emotions in me towards this lady created more situations (in my mind) for me to
experience those emotions or to be a reminder of how rude or ungrateful I am.
Which both as behavior I dislike. I will try to talk with her about it, share
my feelings and see how it goes.
I know that living with such emotions is not
good for me and creates hard times. Therefore, it is best to be open about
yourself and not hold onto things that make you feel uncomfortable.
Also, when having such thoughts, remember to
look for evidence that supports them, usually they are zero. 😊
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