My story

I was born in 1992 in a very young and loving family. My childhood was amazing. Even born in the capital of my country, I used to spend my summer vacations in a village, playing with kids all day and in close contact with nature. I used to live with my parents and my fathers’ parents in an apartment. Back then, from time to time I caught myself counting and touching things an odd number of times. I actually was thinking that it is normal and everybody does it.

Two weeks before turning 7 years and going to school, my parents and I moved to another apartment. I had my own room there but I was scared of the dark (my father used to hide and scare me when it was dark, just for his fun) so falling asleep and going to the bathroom at night was difficult for me.

My true nightmare began when my parents started not to get along. I do not want to go in details because it is something private for my family, but my anxiety started right there. When I was around 11 years old, my mother and I went to see my doctor and she prescribed me a nutritional supplement for anxiety. My doctor also said that if it continues I should go to see a psychologist. I got scared and thought I am crazy. I started to take the medicine, but soon I decided to stop and pretend that everything is ok. It was not, but I focused on other things letting the anxiety slowly grow in me through the years.

My parents divorced when I was 12. Best decision ever, quite hard time for my mother and me but we did well supporting each other. I got my first job when I was 15, working in a pet shop summer time. Absolutely loved it! I got my first boyfriend when I was 16 – a very emotional relationship.

My anxiety was still growing in me. I started to have some intrusive thoughts. I was thinking repeatedly about situations, outcomes and responses. I somehow pushed that away, sometimes fast, other times it took me days. I was thinking it was normal as a teenage girl, dealing with emotions, not having a support from her father, also my grandfather died when I was 17 and I was not in the country so they told me when I got back, it was 2 weeks after the funeral. My grandfather was my absolute favorite person in the whole word. My biggest fan and support.

Later on, my father started a new family and my half-sister was born in 2010. Same year I turned 18 and I started working on shifts at a restaurant where one of my bosses was my fathers’ wife. It was my last year in high school, I had an exam in FCE, also I had my finals that were important for college, I had internal exams for my dream college and my ex (my second boyfriend who broke my heart badly was reaching me again just for fun) so stress levels were high all the time. I slept around 4-5 hours a night. I still had high grades, I took my FCE, I passed very well all exams and I was doing a great job being a waitress.

I was in a hurry one day, nothing new for me and I caught myself while brushing my hair before going out – “What do I need to worry about?”, I was surprised that my answer was “nothing”, however, I was nervous, I couldn’t stop feeling nervous, I had to do everything fast because time was never enough. I graduated college, I even went for a summer in USA to work and save money so I could pay my master degree. Then it hit me. It was a complete disaster. I had some unbearable thoughts that I knew did not happen; they were not true. First, they were about me, being ill or dying. Then they were towards other people. I started to ask myself why, why, why? What is wrong with me? Why do I think like this? Am I dangerous? Am I a crazy person? Should I go to the police? I should be punished for my thoughts. I should be kept away from people. I could not share my thoughts. I was ashamed. My mother did not know what to do. It got worse, I could not eat because I threw up everything, I could not sleep because I was afraid. One day my mother called her brother who is our family doctor and she asked him if I have to see a psychologist, he told her it is too late for that and I need to meet a psychiatrist. So we did.

I was 23 years old with a diagnose OCD with intrusive thoughts. Mixture of relief and anxiety were in me but it was important to know exactly what is happening. This was the start of my medication journey. I was on and off them. First for 6 months, then for a year, after that, I could not stop them and I still have them.

The second time that I started the medication I tried to go to a psychologist. It was ok, but I did not feel some progress towards my OCD, so I stopped going. After a year on medication, I stopped them again but OCD came back worse than ever. I went to see another psychiatrist, she told me to start cognitive behavioral therapy, and I did. It was a life changer. Unfortunately, it was not enough. I got back to the pills and this time I had to intake some additional ones so I could relax a bit. I felt like a spring ready to break.

Nowadays, I have my small crises from time to time but nothing compared to what was before. I am now a mother of 2-year-old boy; I did not think it was possible because I was too scared I would not be able to handle it and to take care of a small human. I changed living in the big city with a small village near a river. I grow vegetables, take care of plants in the garden and enjoy the nature and the beautiful songs of the birds every morning. I do work, mainly on my laptop. I am an introvert so I definitely do not miss people, but I do my best to go as often as possible to the nearest city so my son could play with other children.

This blog is not only for or about me. I have always been interested in phycology so please, join me with ideas, with your interests; let us make a place where people with such disorders would feel better and not alone.