Since I started living in a village, I feel much
calmer and I managed situations much better. So today coming back to my
hometown (the capital of my country) was a trigger for my anxiety. Usually when
I change places, often, I have intrusive thoughts and this was no exception. I
have to admit that every trip makes me nervous. First, I think about a lot of
stuff and get worried about lot of things. Especially now, having a child makes
me more stressful before going out somewhere. Questions as - Did I take
everything my little boy needs? How about the oven? (He likes to turn on the
stove.) I know it is something that most people think about and check but those
who experience OCD knows what I mean. So my mind gets hyperactive of all
possibilities and consequences, which makes me more unstable. We had many tasks
near the city before leaving for my hometown and I was only thinking about what
time it is, what and when my child should eat, did I forget something about
work.. As per usual, I had my daily, morning pill, an antidepressant and
further through the day I had 2 (delete more) other pills to make me calm and
help me reduce the pressure. Even so, I said hello to the intrusive thoughts
around 4:30 pm. I was already in my home city and experienced a situation.
As an introvert, I do not like talking much to
people that I do not know well. It makes me nervous. Makes me feel obliged and
awkward to do the small talk that I usually think is a waste of time. People
say I am good at it and it seems like I enjoy it, I do not, but I feel proud of
myself making (enter) a good impression.
I was with my boyfriend and my son next to our
garage when we met one of our neighbors – a woman with her 2 small, cute little
girls. I do not feel well around children of any age, the reason being that I
had bad intrusive thoughts about them a long time ago and I am still working on
this issue. This time I was fine. I immediately took my second pill because I
felt the anxiety growing and since I know that I am meeting many relatives next
2 days and my son has some health checks I should do my best to be stable. Therefore,
any support is welcome! What happened was other neighbors came with their 2
small children and all I wanted to do is run. Run far away and hide. I could
not, of course, I am a grown woman with a child in the car so I just took a big
breath and said to myself “It is ok, it will pass, just stay calm and breathe.”
Sure, I had intrusive thoughts, I felt awful
about it. I know nothing of that happened but still it bothers me. We left the
place and went to my mother’s apartment where we will stay there for 3 days. I
feel uneasy because I am not used to her apartment anymore, however, I believe
I can handle this situation.
I cannot wait to go back to the village, listen
to the birds and daydream looking at the river.
Writing all of this helps me relax and let the
pressure and anxiety go away.
Thank you for reading and I hope you are doing
well! <3
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