Big (home) city triggers my anxiety

I didn’t expect going back home to trigger my anxiety.

Since I started living in a village, I feel much calmer and handle situations much better. So today, coming back to my hometown was a trigger for my anxiety. Usually when I change places, I often have intrusive thoughts and this was no exception. I have to admit that every trip makes me nervous. First, I think about a lot of things and get worried about everything. Especially now, having a child makes me more stressed before going out somewhere. Questions like: Did I take everything my little boy needs? How about the oven? (He likes to turn on the stove.) I know it is something that most people think about and check but those who experience OCD know what I mean. So my mind becomes hyperactive with all the possibilities and consequences, which makes me more unstable. We had many tasks near the city before leaving for my hometown and I was only thinking about what time it is, when my child should eat, did I forget something about work.. As per usual, I had my daily, morning pill, an antidepressant and further through the day I had 2 other pills to make me calm and help me reduce the pressure. Even so, I said hello to the intrusive thoughts around 4:30 pm. I was already in my home city and experienced a situation.

As an introvert, I don’t like talking to people I don’t know well. It makes me nervous. It makes me feel obliged and awkward to do the small talk that I usually think is a waste of time. People say I am good at it and it seems like I enjoy it, I do not, but I feel proud of myself making a good impression.

I was with my boyfriend and my son next to our garage when we met one of our neighbors – a woman with her 2 small, cute little girls. I do not feel well around children of any age, the reason being that I had bad intrusive thoughts about them a long time ago and I am still working on this issue. This time I was fine. I immediately took my second pill because I felt the anxiety growing and since I know that I am meeting many relatives in the next two days and my son has some health checks I should do my best to be stable. Therefore, any support is welcome! What happened was other neighbors came with their 2 small children and all I wanted to do was run. Run far away and hide. I could not, of course, I am a grown woman with a child in the car so I just took a big breath and said to myself “It is ok, it will pass, just stay calm and breathe.”

Sure, I had intrusive thoughts, I felt awful about it. I know none of that happened but still it bothers me. We left the place and went to my mother’s apartment where we would stay there for three days. I feel uneasy because I am not used to her apartment anymore, however, I believe I can handle this situation.

I cannot wait to go back to the village, listen to the birds and daydream looking at the river.

Writing all of this helps me relax and let the pressure and anxiety go away.

Thank you for reading and I hope you are doing well! <3

If going back somewhere brings back feelings you thought you left behind:

→ It is just a period  

→ Less to think about