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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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Hammer situation

hammer,intrusive thoughts,OCD,anxiety


Lately, I feel fine. I enjoy my morning routine and have time for everything I want to do during the day. A friend of mine asked me just yesterday how the blog is going and if I am writing something now. I joked about it because I feel comfortable and calm; I have many ideas to write about, but right now, my focus is on the sunny days and the enormous work in the garden.

Well, there it is. It is as my messy mind was just waiting for the right opportunity to send me to hell. It was a one-way ticket intention, but I managed to escape!

What happened? It was a beautiful sunny day, birds were singing, everything was wonderful until the afternoon. We are working hard in the garden lately; my boyfriend and I are trying to make a nice place to enjoy our time. Now we are filling with rocks and other construction waste an old pool were nutrias used to live (the previous owner had them). We want to create a space where he could fix his motorcycle and our child to play and draw. All day we are hitting the rocks with a hammer and other noisy tools. Around 6:30 pm, my boyfriend hit his hand with the hammer. I stayed calm, took care of his wound and called a doctor for a quick advice. Unfortunately, we need to stop the work because his hand does not let him work. He is fine, which is most important. My little boy got a bit worried for his father and gave him hugs. I got scared because I need to take care of everything on my own and I did not feel okay lately because I worked a lot. When we got inside the house I sensed the panic rising in me, I took a pill because I did not want to have an anxiety attack. I had to prepare the dinner, bath the little one and so on. Intrusive thoughts started coming one by one, each worse. Pictures in my mind started showing with awful scenarios. It was not only concerning my boyfriend but my child as well. I was feeling stressed. I wanted to vomit. I was scared from the hammer, of how it could harm my family. I told my boyfriend and he told me “look we are fine, do not worry”. Then it hit me again, “what about all the other tools we use and have”. What if we do not pay attention when we use them and my boy gets injured or worse? So my favorite OCD “What if” got started in my head. Thought after thought, picture after picture – a horror movie.

I managed to pull it together. Started writing this post as soon as possible and after every word I feel the pressure going away. I do my best to stay present here and now, right at this moment, not somewhere else where my mind takes me.

I still feel bad that I have OCD, as if I chose it. I feel that I am failing myself and my family when I have this reactions, everybody is quite supportive, it is again all in my head. I hope this goes away because it is not helpful.

Remember you are not alone. This is not the end of the world or your life. It will get better.

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