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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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Hammer situation

hammer,intrusive thoughts,OCD,anxiety


Lately, I feel fine. I enjoy my morning routine and have time for everything I want to do during the day. A friend of mine asked me just yesterday how the blog is going and if I am writing something now. I joked about it because I feel comfortable and calm; I have many ideas to write about, but right now, my focus is on the sunny days and the enormous work in the garden.

Well, there it is. It is as my messy mind was just waiting for the right opportunity to send me to hell. It was a one-way ticket intention, but I managed to escape!

What happened? It was a beautiful sunny day, birds were singing, everything was wonderful until the afternoon. We are working hard in the garden lately; my boyfriend and I are trying to make a nice place to enjoy our time. Now we are filling with rocks and other construction waste an old pool were nutrias used to live (the previous owner had them). We want to create a space where he could fix his motorcycle and our child to play and draw. All day we are hitting the rocks with a hammer and other noisy tools. Around 6:30 pm, my boyfriend hit his hand with the hammer. I stayed calm, took care of his wound and called a doctor for a quick advice. Unfortunately, we need to stop the work because his hand does not let him work. He is fine, which is most important. My little boy got a bit worried for his father and gave him hugs. I got scared because I need to take care of everything on my own and I did not feel okay lately because I worked a lot. When we got inside the house I sensed the panic rising in me, I took a pill because I did not want to have an anxiety attack. I had to prepare the dinner, bath the little one and so on. Intrusive thoughts started coming one by one, each worse. Pictures in my mind started showing with awful scenarios. It was not only concerning my boyfriend but my child as well. I was feeling stressed. I wanted to vomit. I was scared from the hammer, of how it could harm my family. I told my boyfriend and he told me “look we are fine, do not worry”. Then it hit me again, “what about all the other tools we use and have”. What if we do not pay attention when we use them and my boy gets injured or worse? So my favorite OCD “What if” got started in my head. Thought after thought, picture after picture – a horror movie.

I managed to pull it together. Started writing this post as soon as possible and after every word I feel the pressure going away. I do my best to stay present here and now, right at this moment, not somewhere else where my mind takes me.

I still feel bad that I have OCD, as if I chose it. I feel that I am failing myself and my family when I have this reactions, everybody is quite supportive, it is again all in my head. I hope this goes away because it is not helpful.

Remember you are not alone. This is not the end of the world or your life. It will get better.

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