The core of my anxiety (maybe)

Ten years later, I decided I don’t want to hide anymore.

After I began my cognitive-behavioral therapy, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I find my therapist truly amazing. We work together very well, and I completely trust her.

After months of working with her, something came up quite often. It turns out that the core — or one of the main reasons — of my anxiety is my fear of exposing myself. To be mocked and to admit that I am not good enough.

I got curious about what might have left such a mark in my mind. I have unpleasant memories in my life — moments when I did not succeed at something, moments of rejection, definitely some really embarrassing situations. However, I do not remember being mocked or attacked by someone.

For sure, I had issues with my father and constantly wanted to prove myself to him. This unforgettable path ended a few years ago, again through a lot of work with my therapist and one very open conversation with my father. Maybe there was such a situation, buried deep in my mind, but I cannot recall it. However, it sure does a great job of making me anxious. I am still working on this, and I hope I will have some good news soon.

To this day, this fear and its many layers still suppress me. I have declined many opportunities, fearing I would fail and believing I am not capable or good enough. I have stayed at home out of fear that I am not looking presentable enough for others. The list is endless.

Every time, I have an “excuse” that makes perfect sense to me — helping me avoid normal life and real connections with people. When I was little, I remember thinking how many things I should change to be “beautiful” (whatever that means), just to feel better.

Ten years after my diagnosis, I decided to finally step up and face my OCD. I’m not going to lie, I’m scared of this step — but I want to live. I want to experience this life, to enjoy it, and this is one of the reasons I started this blog.

I might fail miserably on an international level. I might be hated, loved — honestly, I have no idea.

Whatever comes, I will not run. I will try not to hide in my small, safe world.

Finally, I want to accept who I am — and believe that it is enough.

If you’ve ever tried to understand where your anxiety really comes from:

→ How does the OCD brain work?  

→ How I Learned Not to Believe Everything I Think