The core of my anxiety (maybe)

After I began my cognitive-behavioral therapy, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I find my therapist truly amazing. We work together very well and I completely trust her.

After months of working with her, something came up quite often. It turns out that the core (or one of the main reasons) of my anxiety is my fear to expose myself. To be mocked at and admit that I am not good enough.

I got curious what might have left such a mark in my mind. I have my unpleasant memories in my life. Moments that I have not succeed at something, moments of rejection, definitely really embarrassing memories, however, I do not remember being mocked at or attacked by somebody. For sure, I had issues with my father and constantly wanted to prove myself to him. This unforgettable path ended a few years ago, again by lots of work with my therapist and one very open conversation with my father. Maybe there was such a situation, which I have buried deep in my mind, but I cannot recall it. However, it sure does great job at making me anxious. I am still working on this I hope that I will have some good news soon!

By this day, this fear and its dimensions still suppress me. I have declined many opportunities fearing I will fail and believing I am not capable or good enough. I have stayed at home of fear that I am not looking presentable enough for others. The list is endless. Every time I have an “excuse” that makes perfect sense to me, making me avoid normal life and connections with people. When I was little, I remember thinking how many things I should change to be beautiful (whatever that means), in order to feel better.

Ten years after my diagnose I decided to finally step up and see through the OCD. I am not going to lie I am scared of this step; however, I want to live. I want to experience this life, to enjoy it, and this is one of the reasons I started this blog. I might fail miserably on an international level. I might be hated, loved and actually, I have no idea. Whatever comes, I will not run, will try not to hide in my safe small world. Finally, I want to accept who I am and to see that it is okay.