Harm OCD

My absolute “favorite” thoughts are about harming somebody. Actually, killing somebody. I cannot believe I am writing this down and it is going online! I think my therapist will be proud!

According to healthline.com “Harm OCD is not considered a condition that makes you dangerous to yourself or others. People living with harm OCD do not want to cause harm, even though they may have thoughts of that nature. In fact, harm OCD behaviors stem from an intense fear of causing harm.”

Anxiety & Depression Association of America claims “Typically, the thoughts consist of the very thing that the individual believes is the most awful, shameful and inappropriate thing one could do. Unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images and urges are often violent in nature and can include:

•     fear of committing harm or violence toward a loved one, e.g., one’s partner, child or parents
•          fear of “snapping” and committing a mass murder
•          fear of engaging in self-harm or suicide
•         fear of sexually assaulting someone
•         fear of wanting to engage in abhorrent sexual acts
•         fear of becoming schizophrenic or psychotic, losing control and acting out violently

These types of thoughts, images and urges are typically referred to as Harm OCD and they can cause significant distress and anxiety in sufferers, leading to compulsions that are intended to reduce the fear of causing harm.”

I have to admit it still scares me. At first when such an intrusive thought comes I get scared and in a bit of a panic. That is when I feel balanced. If I am in a stressful period, it might get worse for me such as vomiting, lack of sleep and being afraid all the time. I know that all people have certain thoughts, for example, if it goes through your mind that you want to slap somebody when you get angry with them. You do not do it (usually). However, if I have such a thought that it comes in an intrusive way it will drive me crazy. More or less, it would probably have already happened in my mind and different bad outcomes are coming. (My mind believes (used to believe) that if I think about it I am/going to do it) From example, intrusive thought, “I have slapped somebody”, which is wrong and unacceptable (in most cases), then it might get to a point where the thought transforms to “I have hurt him” (worse – broke his arm), finally it might get to “I have killed him”. So, it gets worse and worse. That makes me feel nervous, panicked, I cannot stand in one place and need to make sure that it has not happened (it surely did not!) and so on. I have been sitting on floor vomiting like crazy just by the fear of a thought. It seems like my mind likes to torture me.

I know that people with no such condition would find it difficult to understand it. “Just stop the thought, think of something else”. Oh, if it was only that easy!