Lately, I feel well. Actually so well that I
did not have any idea what to write about but here we are – intrusive thoughts.
I was for 4 days in my hometown. If you have
not read “Big (home) city triggers my anxiety” you can do it now, might help you understand me better.
I think every time it gets worse – the traffic, the buildings, the people so
much and so noisy. We were staying at my mother’s apartment so we could spend
more time together. Something that nobody could predict was my toddler’s
reaction to the room where he slept. He always sleeps there when we are staying,
yet this time every night was a complete nightmare. He was crying not wanting
to be alone, not wanting to stay in the room and in his bed, which we found
quite strange because he sleeps alone in a room since he was 6 months old.
Lack of good sleep usually means a lot of
stress for me, I get nervous and worried. At the beginning, it was fine,
however, 4 nights of bad sleep just made me very stressed. At the same time my
period was late (everything is fine now) and that did not help the situation at
all. Meanwhile, I had to visit all my relatives because everyone wants to meet
my boy. To summarize – lack of sleep, many people, my period = stress. Also, my
boy got sick!
On the fifth day, we finally got back to the
village where we live in. I felt that my heart runs faster and I breathe
deeper. The same day I saw a headline of an article saying a man with mental
illness killed his parents. I had the feeling everything stopped working in my
body, I got scared, of course, I did not read the article as I did not want to
get even more scared. Sometimes I do have intrusive thoughts such as not to
hurt somebody or not to kill somebody. I know it is quite ridiculous; my
thoughts are usually that it has already happened and I do not remember, or it
might happen because it has crossed my mind. Moreover, it leads many other
thoughts that do not help my condition. (Just to remind you if you are new to
the blog – I have OCD with intrusive thoughts, so it is just thoughts. I have
been to two psychiatrists and I go to cognitive-behavioral
therapy.)
Back to the article. I did not read it and I do
not know if it is true. I don’t know the illness of the man and I am not sure
about anything connected to it, only that it scared me, a lot. It scared me
because I love my family and I do not want anything bad to happen to them. I
might be assuming that everyone is like this (loving and caring) and my mind
cannot accept the information. When suffering from intrusive thoughts and you
hear about such event, it really bothers you. Makes you question yourself, your
actions and thoughts. I promise you it is exhausting and makes you feel awful.
Please, if you know somebody suffering from OCD
be patient and supporting, it is not on purpose, we do not want it, like it or
do it to draw attention. It is not as we can control it. Thank you!
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