How bad headlines affect me

Lately, I feel well.
Actually, so well that I didn’t know what to write about.

But here we are — intrusive thoughts.

I spent four days in my hometown.

If you haven’t read “Big (home) city triggers my anxiety” it might help you understand me better.

Every time I go there, it feels more intense —
the traffic, the buildings, the people.
So loud. So much.

We stayed at my mother’s apartment to spend more time together.
What we didn’t expect was my toddler’s reaction.

He always sleeps in that room.
But this time — every night was a nightmare.

He cried.
Didn’t want to be alone.
Didn’t want the room.
Didn’t want the bed.

It didn’t make sense.

Lack of sleep usually means stress for me.
I get nervous. I start worrying.

At first, it was manageable.
But four nights in a row broke me.

At the same time, my period was late (everything is fine now),
which didn’t help at all.

And of course — we had to visit relatives.
Everyone wanted to see my boy.

So, to summarize:
no sleep + many people + hormones = stress.

And then — my boy got sick.

On the fifth day, we finally went back to the village.
I felt it immediately.

My heart slowed down.
My breath deepened.

That same day, I saw a headline:

A man with mental illness killed his parents.

Everything in me froze.

I didn’t read the article.
I knew it would make things worse.

Because sometimes, I have intrusive thoughts too —
about hurting someone.
Even killing someone.

I know how that sounds.

My mind doesn’t say “what if.”
It says: it already happened.
Or: what if it happens because you thought it?

And then it spirals.

(Just to remind you — I have OCD with intrusive thoughts.
I’ve seen psychiatrists. I go to cognitive behavioral therapy.
These are thoughts. Nothing more.)

But headlines like this?

They hit differently.

They make you question yourself.
Your mind.
Your safety.

And it’s exhausting.

It’s terrifying — especially when all you want
is to protect the people you love.

If you know someone with OCD,
please be patient.

Please be kind.

We don’t choose this.
We don’t want it.
And we’re not doing it for attention.

It’s not something we can just switch off.

Thank you.

If your mind holds on to things you wish you never read:

→ The memory test  

→ How I Learned Not to Believe Everything I Think