How bad did it use to be?!

 

How bad did it use to be?

I still get a very strange looks when I say that I have OCD. Usually, people think I wash my hands too much and check the door and oven. Actually, it is so much more than this, deeper and more complex.

I was around 24 years old and I did not know what was going on with me, but I did my best to neglect my condition. It worked from time to time; however, it never went away. My health condition was getting worse, both mentally and physically. I did not have a job at that time, I did not have any hobbies or classes. I remember how badly it hit me. At a certain point, I could not go out alone from the apartment. I was living with my mother and I struggled to leave home, even with her. She forced me to go out, but I had to check things at home (No, it was not the oven, more likely to check the knives. They had to be all there so I could be calm). When we got outside I needed her close to me, I could not get close to other people, especially kids. I was scared that I am going to harm them (physically or to offend them). I was extremely scared that I might be responsible for somebody’s death or to leave a “scar” with a bad attitude. If we went shopping and my mother was not close to me I was holding on the cart and just staring at the floor. I was unable to do anything. Now that I am thinking about it if there was an emergency at that time, I would probably be too scared to move.

My mother used to say that I have “empty eyes”, like I was dead, no emotions, nothing. I admire her strength to go through this and help me. But things got even worse. I was scared to stay alone at home and since my mother could not stop working, she took me to work. It was exhausting for her. I could not sleep alone, so I was sleeping in a room with her, I could not sleep well (even with some pills) so she was awake with me. I could not eat well, because I vomited almost everything because of the intrusive thoughts.

The next phase was I being at home alone but I could not touch my phone. I used to turn it off, place in my nightstand, leaving the room (closed door), going to my mother’s room (closed door) only to be able to watch a movie. Moreover, that was a great improvement because before I could not watch TV, especially if I was alone.

Telling you all of this, please, have in mind this was in the beginning of my treatment with medication. Half year later, I was completely fine, until I stopped the pills. However, here I now know what is “wrong” with me and have the tools to manage it. There is hope!