Chained

A few years ago, when I was in the middle of an OCD crisis,
I was terrified of my intrusive thoughts.

I could barely eat.
I could barely sleep.

I remember clearly how afraid I was to fall asleep —
thinking that I might do something horrible while I was sleeping.

At that time, most of my intrusive thoughts were about harming — even killing — someone.
(You can read more in my post about harm OCD.)

That period was so intense that I felt like I couldn’t breathe normally.

I used to go with my mother to her workplace just so I wouldn’t be alone.
It wasn’t comfortable there,
but it was better than sitting at home, staring at the clock, waiting for her to come back.

I couldn’t sleep alone,
so we shared a room.

I remember asking her over and over again:

“Nothing bad will happen, right?”
“It’s not possible, right?”
“I’m not a bad person, right?”
“I’m not dangerous, right?”

Now, being a mother myself,
I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her.

We’ve never really talked about her side of it —
how she felt,
how much it cost her to live through my OCD with me.

At night, everything felt worse.

I couldn’t sleep properly.
It felt like I was stuck somewhere between being awake and asleep.

Sometimes I would suddenly jump out of bed,
terrified by my own thoughts.

I was convinced they had already happened.

I believed I had done something terrible —
something that meant I should go to jail.

My mind would even create images as “proof.”

I asked my mother to lock the front door
and hide the keys,

so I could be sure I wouldn’t leave the apartment
and hurt someone.

At some point, I even thought it would be better
to be chained to the bed.

Just to be safe.
Just to protect others.

Now it sounds unreal.

But back then, it felt like hell.

At that time, I wasn’t in therapy yet.
I was only taking medication,
and for months, nothing really improved.

If you are struggling with OCD and intrusive thoughts —
or someone close to you is —

please, encourage therapy.

It takes time.
It takes effort.

But it helps.

And slowly,
you start getting your life back.

If you’ve ever felt trapped inside your own mind:

→ The Part of OCD Nobody Talks About  

→ The Self I Lost Access To