Chained

 

A few years ago, when I was in the middle of a crisis with my OCD I was terrified by my intrusive thoughts. I struggled to eat and sleep. I remember very well how I could not go to sleep because I was thinking that while sleeping I might do some horrible things. At that point, most of my intrusive thoughts were about harming, even killing someone. You can check my post about harm OCD.

That period was so intense that I could not take a normal breath. I used to go with my mother to her work so I will not be alone. It was awful there, however, better than staring at the clock waiting for her to come home all day. I could not sleep alone so we shared a room. I remember vividly asking her non-stop “Nothing bad will happen right?, It is not possible, right? I am not a bad person, right? I am not dangerous to others, right?” I cannot imagine how she felt with every question. Now being a mother, I know how hard it is to see your baby crying, needing support and love, having in mind that he's only hit his knee. We have never talked about her, about how she felt, how much it cost her to live with my OCD.

At night, I think it was at its worst. I could not sleep well. I had the feeling I am in between being awake and asleep. Sometimes I “jumped” out of my bed terrified of my intrusive thoughts. I was sure that they have already happened. I was sure that I did something horrible and wrong and have to go to jail. I was having some images in my mind that were “proof” that it has happened.

I asked my mother to lock the entrance door of the apartment and hide the keys, in order to be sure I will not leave the apartment and harm someone. In addition, I was thinking it’s best to be chained to the bed so I will not go anywhere. My mind wanted to take these precautions so I could sleep normally and to protect the people. It sounds so ridiculous now but believe me it felt like I was in hell (probably).

At that time, I did not go to cognitive-behavioral therapy. I just took my medication but I did not feel better for months.

If you suffer from OCD with intrusive thoughts, or you have a close one who does, please advise them to start therapy. I promise it helps. It needs a lot of time and effort but if your therapist is good, you will see the improvement in you daily life and will feel better and better being able to do such small things as going out without fear.