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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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Small steps big results

 

steps,results,freedom

I was driving back home while thinking about how much I have managed to understand, accept and control my intrusive thoughts. A year ago I would not have been able to drive alone, go to the city to do some work or go grocery shopping. I do not know why, but a specific situation came to mind. A memory that obviously left a deep mark in my life.

I was 24-25 years old (that I do not remember well) and it was one of my first meetings with friends. Two of my closest friends and I went to have dinner and drinks at a restaurant. Before that I could not go out easily, it took me great motivation, confirmation from other people that nothing would happen, checking objects of my intrusive thoughts and so on. However, back then, I had just finished a course of medication and I felt free and happy, calm and ready to go back to a normal life.

We went out. Having dinner, laughing, talking about men, our lives and all the things girls love to talk about. Suddenly, I decided to share a thought that came into my mind. I said something like “I am so happy and amazed that I am out, having dinner with friends. Look it is wonderful!”. I was feeling proud of myself finally stepping out of my private jail. Then, one of my friends said “This is normal. It is not a big deal.” I did not expect that and was not sure how to react. I know she did not want to offend me or make me feel bad. This just showed me that people cannot understand how difficult and exhausting it is for people who suffer from OCD. We changed the subject. I did not want to discuss that on my first night out with friends. Back then, I did not talk about this with anybody because I felt ashamed and different. I did not want people to know how I struggle and what I think.

If you suffer from OCD just remember small steps lead to big results. Try to do things a bit out of your comfort zone, do it with somebody at the beginning if your condition is bad. Do not blame yourself if you fail, just do not give up.

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