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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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Small steps big results

 

steps,results,freedom

I was driving back home while thinking about how much I have managed to understand, accept and control my intrusive thoughts. A year ago I would not have been able to drive alone, go to the city to do some work or go grocery shopping. I do not know why, but a specific situation came to mind. A memory that obviously left a deep mark in my life.

I was 24-25 years old (that I do not remember well) and it was one of my first meetings with friends. Two of my closest friends and I went to have dinner and drinks at a restaurant. Before that I could not go out easily, it took me great motivation, confirmation from other people that nothing would happen, checking objects of my intrusive thoughts and so on. However, back then, I had just finished a course of medication and I felt free and happy, calm and ready to go back to a normal life.

We went out. Having dinner, laughing, talking about men, our lives and all the things girls love to talk about. Suddenly, I decided to share a thought that came into my mind. I said something like “I am so happy and amazed that I am out, having dinner with friends. Look it is wonderful!”. I was feeling proud of myself finally stepping out of my private jail. Then, one of my friends said “This is normal. It is not a big deal.” I did not expect that and was not sure how to react. I know she did not want to offend me or make me feel bad. This just showed me that people cannot understand how difficult and exhausting it is for people who suffer from OCD. We changed the subject. I did not want to discuss that on my first night out with friends. Back then, I did not talk about this with anybody because I felt ashamed and different. I did not want people to know how I struggle and what I think.

If you suffer from OCD just remember small steps lead to big results. Try to do things a bit out of your comfort zone, do it with somebody at the beginning if your condition is bad. Do not blame yourself if you fail, just do not give up.

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