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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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The day after the accident

 

messy, day, accident, intrusive thoughts, OCD

I did not sleep very well, but it was better than I expected. My boy is well; he is full of energy and has no change in his behavior, so I am sure his injury was not that dangerous. Seeing him as usual make me happy and I feel calmer.

However, I am still struggling with my condition. I felt anxious in the morning and my body feels weird. It is not new for me but it is like having needles all over my hands and legs. I felt light like a ghost (I think they feel like that). The good news are that I managed to eat a proper breakfast without the urge to throw up.

My partner, my boy and I went to the city to take a walk and to do some work. My little one was so happy to ride his bike I had to run after him. This made me feel better because it distracted me from my intrusive thoughts. After that, we went to buy some flowers to plant in our garden. We had lunch and again I felt okay.

The afternoon was calm, I cut the grass in the garden and my mind was in the process so it could take some rest from the OCD. It started raining so we stayed home playing with puzzles and toy cars.

Around 6:30 p.m., after having dinner I started to feel nervous and anxious. I knew what was going on as I used to have my worst times in the evenings and had trouble sleeping, so I was not surprised. My intrusive thoughts are awful and horrifying for me, but writing this post helps me think more rationally. As well, I had two additional pills during the day so I pray they will help me calm down and get out soon of this situation.

I hope that tonight I will sleep well. Sleep is crucial for the brain and body to rest so I need it. Last night I read my post about Harm OCD and I felt instantly better because it just reminded me that it is ok to have a disease and I am not dangerous for anybody. Most importantly, it will pass, it is just now, this moment and I believe every other day is going to be better until I feel fully myself again.

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