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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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OCD as a reminder of the present

 




It has been a few days since I last posted on the blog. We have had so much work, and I have been trying to spend more time outside after finishing for the day, because I know screen time definitely does not help my mental health.

However, I can feel my OCD getting worse almost every day. I am constantly in a hurry to finish all my tasks, and it is making me nervous. I have this awful feeling that it will never end — that the tasks just keep coming, one after another.

Outside of work, something else is occupying my mind — a piece of good, exciting news that I do not want to share just yet. Hopefully, by this Friday, things will become clearer and I will know whether it is going to be a success. I am feeling both very anxious and overwhelmed, but also incredibly eager and hopeful for such a huge change in our lives.

I have also found myself scrolling on my phone much more than before. So now, I try to leave it inside the house and go out into the garden — doing Sudoku, taking care of the plants, and playing with my little boy.

What pushed me to sit down and write today was a moment when I was mindlessly scrolling on my phone, stressed about work, when an intrusive thought suddenly crossed my mind. It scared me so much that my hands tingled, and I just wanted to hide and escape from the thought.

I am sure it is just a phase brought on by the stress of the past 10 days. I really hope it will all be over soon so I can clear my head and get some rest.

If you are going through something similar, please know you are not alone. We all have our ups and downs, and it is okay to pause and take care of your mind.

 

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