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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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Goodbye, little one


Our little boy is now 3 years old, so Veni and I decided to enroll him in kindergarten. We wanted to take care of him until he turned 4, when kindergarten becomes obligatory, but we have too much work and we both struggle to balance home chores, work, and taking care of the little guy. If you are a parent, you know how much work this is. I feel that I am not enough for him anymore. He definitely needs much more attention, other kids to play with, group activities — practically, to start exploring the world without his parents.

This Monday there was a celebration for the first day of school and kindergarten. We went so our boy could see the other kids, the balloons, feel the atmosphere of the kindergarten, and meet his teachers. I dressed him in a little shirt and the moment I saw him, I struggled not to cry — he looked so grown up. A storm of emotions was raging in my chest. It was very emotional for me as a mother.

We did some research on kindergartens in Vidin and I believe we chose the best one. His teachers are warm and gentle. I like the way they treat the children with attention and kindness. On the first day, our boy cried the whole morning. He didn’t want to eat or drink water, he didn’t want to play with the kids — he just sat on a chair waiting for me. They called me at noon to pick him up because he wouldn’t calm down, and I felt as if my heart was breaking into pieces. I rushed to the kindergarten to take him. He came crying for a hug and the moment he was in my arms, he calmed down.

After that, he was completely fine. We even went back later in the afternoon so he could play in the garden. The next morning, he didn’t want to go, but I explained to him that this is his new routine and that it might take some time, but he will make friends and start to enjoy his time there. He went inside with a smile, but the moment I said goodbye, he started to cry. I had to leave without looking back. (I couldn’t sleep well the night before, so I had been reading about how to help a child adapt to kindergarten.)

Now I am trying to work, keeping my phone nearby in case they call me to pick him up. I hope today he feels better and at least plays with the children.

Please, keep your fingers crossed.

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