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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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Goodbye, little one


Our little boy is now 3 years old, so Veni and I decided to enroll him in kindergarten. We wanted to take care of him until he turned 4, when kindergarten becomes obligatory, but we have too much work and we both struggle to balance home chores, work, and taking care of the little guy. If you are a parent, you know how much work this is. I feel that I am not enough for him anymore. He definitely needs much more attention, other kids to play with, group activities — practically, to start exploring the world without his parents.

This Monday there was a celebration for the first day of school and kindergarten. We went so our boy could see the other kids, the balloons, feel the atmosphere of the kindergarten, and meet his teachers. I dressed him in a little shirt and the moment I saw him, I struggled not to cry — he looked so grown up. A storm of emotions was raging in my chest. It was very emotional for me as a mother.

We did some research on kindergartens in Vidin and I believe we chose the best one. His teachers are warm and gentle. I like the way they treat the children with attention and kindness. On the first day, our boy cried the whole morning. He didn’t want to eat or drink water, he didn’t want to play with the kids — he just sat on a chair waiting for me. They called me at noon to pick him up because he wouldn’t calm down, and I felt as if my heart was breaking into pieces. I rushed to the kindergarten to take him. He came crying for a hug and the moment he was in my arms, he calmed down.

After that, he was completely fine. We even went back later in the afternoon so he could play in the garden. The next morning, he didn’t want to go, but I explained to him that this is his new routine and that it might take some time, but he will make friends and start to enjoy his time there. He went inside with a smile, but the moment I said goodbye, he started to cry. I had to leave without looking back. (I couldn’t sleep well the night before, so I had been reading about how to help a child adapt to kindergarten.)

Now I am trying to work, keeping my phone nearby in case they call me to pick him up. I hope today he feels better and at least plays with the children.

Please, keep your fingers crossed.

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