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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...

When Freedom Lasts Only Three Days

 

mother,tired,exhausted

I was both happy and worried at the same time when my little boy started kindergarten. Especially after the first day, when he cried non-stop until noon and I had to go and pick him up. Thank God, the next day he stayed the whole day, and Veni and I finally enjoyed that feeling of freedom – having a whole day just for yourself. Don’t you dare think, even for a minute, that this meant relaxing, watching movies, or doing fun activities. No, it meant work, work, and more work. Still, when nobody interrupts you and you don’t have to constantly keep track of the schedule (meals, naps, and so on), you really do feel free.

Actually, our boy managed to stay the whole week, which was three and a half days. I enjoyed every second of it. Of course, in the morning he didn’t want to go, but I guess his teachers are really good and take care of him well enough that he feels fine later during the day.

After this short three-day freedom, we were already looking forward to the next week. But there were three days off because of a national holiday in Bulgaria, and I was worried that our boy would have a hard time going back. The moment he hears the word “kindergarten”, he immediately says “no”—even if someone just mentions it in a conversation unrelated to him. Not that it mattered, because during those three days off he got sick. His Majesty the Snot had arrived. My plans for the week were crushed in a second—again, all about work, not fun free time. I had so many things I wanted to do: working on the blog (though after so much work I didn’t even want to see a laptop), learning something new (but for that, again, I needed my laptop).

So, how did the week actually go? The little one—with snot. Veni got sick. I developed gastritis (too much stress about kindergarten the week before). One of my employees took the week off. And my mother-in-law, with whom we work together, also had the week off. Lovely! The gastritis improved after two days thanks to some medicine and diet. Then, out of nowhere, an awful lower back pain arrived. It was so bad I could hardly sit or lie down. The pain was unbearable, and I couldn’t sleep. It still hurts, though not as badly. I believe it’s because I stopped my workouts, which I don’t like, but I’m staying optimistic.

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