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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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Left with a Broken Heart

 

broken heart

Hey lovely people 💛

I’ve been away for a while — life just got a bit too much. So many things happened all at once, and I simply didn’t have the time or the energy to sit down and write.

I know what you’re thinking: “But writing is your therapy!” And you’re absolutely right — it is. 100%.
But even therapy can feel impossible when you’re running on empty. I was overwhelmed, trying to hold everything together, and so focused on my son that I was just… surviving the day.

Maybe I sound a bit dramatic, but it really was a tough period. I’m finally starting to breathe again, and it feels like the storm is almost over.

So — what happened?

Veni decided to go back to university for a bachelor’s degree. What we didn’t know was when he’d actually start. Work was insane — we were managing tons of projects, launching our own, and even running courses in the northwestern part of the country. Pressure was everywhere. And on top of that, there’s the house and all the endless little things that come with it.

Then, out of nowhere, on Thursday, October 2nd, he got a call: lectures start on Monday.
We were not ready. I felt panic rising in me. He almost cancelled, but I told him we’d figure it out.

He left on Sunday. And my world… just crashed.
I felt so vulnerable. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe properly, and it honestly felt like a part of me was missing. I know it sounds crazy, but I cried so much. I couldn’t believe how deeply I missed him.

Then my OCD kicked in — a whole bag of nasty thoughts — and I ended up writing to my therapist. I was devastated.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Monday brought more bad news: Veni had lectures every single day until October 26th.
We had hoped to see each other on weekends, but that wasn’t possible.
We hadn’t spent this much time apart in almost eight years.

So, I threw myself into work — way too much of it — and into caring for our son, just to keep my mind busy and away from missing him.

But honestly… how do you feel when your loved one is away for a long time?

 

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