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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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Left with a Broken Heart

 

broken heart

Hey lovely people 💛

I’ve been away for a while — life just got a bit too much. So many things happened all at once, and I simply didn’t have the time or the energy to sit down and write.

I know what you’re thinking: “But writing is your therapy!” And you’re absolutely right — it is. 100%.
But even therapy can feel impossible when you’re running on empty. I was overwhelmed, trying to hold everything together, and so focused on my son that I was just… surviving the day.

Maybe I sound a bit dramatic, but it really was a tough period. I’m finally starting to breathe again, and it feels like the storm is almost over.

So — what happened?

Veni decided to go back to university for a bachelor’s degree. What we didn’t know was when he’d actually start. Work was insane — we were managing tons of projects, launching our own, and even running courses in the northwestern part of the country. Pressure was everywhere. And on top of that, there’s the house and all the endless little things that come with it.

Then, out of nowhere, on Thursday, October 2nd, he got a call: lectures start on Monday.
We were not ready. I felt panic rising in me. He almost cancelled, but I told him we’d figure it out.

He left on Sunday. And my world… just crashed.
I felt so vulnerable. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe properly, and it honestly felt like a part of me was missing. I know it sounds crazy, but I cried so much. I couldn’t believe how deeply I missed him.

Then my OCD kicked in — a whole bag of nasty thoughts — and I ended up writing to my therapist. I was devastated.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Monday brought more bad news: Veni had lectures every single day until October 26th.
We had hoped to see each other on weekends, but that wasn’t possible.
We hadn’t spent this much time apart in almost eight years.

So, I threw myself into work — way too much of it — and into caring for our son, just to keep my mind busy and away from missing him.

But honestly… how do you feel when your loved one is away for a long time?

 

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