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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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The First Days Without Him

 

autumn walk in the park

Sunday night felt so strange for me — not only did intrusive thoughts try to conquer my mind, but it was also so silent and empty without Veni. Especially when I went to bed — we have our own rituals: reading, watching something (lately K-dramas), and now I felt confused and didn’t want to do anything without him.

Thankfully, I managed to sleep well because kindergarten was waiting for our little boy early in the morning. My boy wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to go, which was a challenge. Finally, I managed to hand him over to his teacher and continue with my day — still feeling the huge absence of my partner.

The next three days were crazy — full of work, taking care of our boy, and trying to cope with everything alone.

On the fourth day, my little boy got sick. I still had a lot of work to do, so I went to the office to pick up some papers so I could work from home. When the weather was nice, I took him for short walks in the park. This continued for about ten days. At first, he just had a runny nose, but suddenly he started coughing and had trouble breathing. I got so, so scared and made an appointment with a doctor for the same evening. I was so grateful that he saw us at 7 p.m. and did a full examination — the diagnosis was laryngitis.

What scared me the most was that he could suddenly have trouble breathing and I might have to rush him to the hospital. We live about 20 minutes away, and I couldn’t imagine my boy struggling to breathe while I drove through two villages in the middle of the night.

That night, I slept in the kitchen with him. Every time he started coughing, I got up and opened the window so he could calm down. The cold, humid air helps with laryngitis, and I was so grateful he didn’t experience any further problems.

In the end, he got better and went back to kindergarten a few days later. He has so much fun there and is finally starting to enjoy it.

Soon Veni will be home. I’ve prepared a few surprises for him and can’t wait to hug and kiss him.

Do you make surprises for your loved ones?

 

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