When Your Mind Is Loud but You Keep Going

 

There is a reason why I chose “my messy mind” as the name of my blog.
I feel mess and chaos so often in my mind and life that I simply couldn’t think of a better expression. Please don’t think this is because I am disorganized — quite the opposite. I am a very organized person. I make lists, follow schedules, and try to think two or three steps ahead whenever possible. I try to do as much as I can every single day, and I believe that at some point, this is what “broke” me.

Now, after years of cognitive behavioral therapy, I have finally started to treat myself like a human being — not a robot. Believe me, it is a huge relief. And yet, I still struggle when there are too many tasks, or when I have a full week planned and my toddler gets sick and every detail suddenly has to change.

Despite all the challenges in my life, I try to stay positive, accept them, and find a way to solve them. I try not to focus so much on the problem itself, but rather on the solution and what benefit the situation might bring. Sometimes, honestly, it just really sucks — but even then, I try to stay positive. As a mother, a small business owner, a housewife, and a not-so-successful (yet!) blogger, people often forget that I also only have 24 hours in a day. I can see how some people assume that because I don’t work a strict 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. schedule, I can do whatever I want. That is not true at all.

I genuinely try to give the best of myself in everything I do, and that is not easy — especially when there are too many tasks in a single day and, at the same time, I am expected to be in a good mood, gentle, and available everywhere I am needed. People often don’t see how much I struggle to preserve myself — my mind and my soul — because as an introvert living with OCD, this is a huge challenge.

My mind becomes the loudest when I am in a rush, which usually means I am overwhelmed by work and responsibilities. I try to do everything as quickly as possible so that, by the end of the day, I can feel satisfied with the results — otherwise, disappointment creeps in. Over the past few months, this has started to change. I am learning to prioritize. If there is time for something extra — great. If not, there is tomorrow.

Even when my mind is screaming and my body reacts with symptoms like sweating or difficulty breathing, I try to focus on the present moment — on the task in front of me. I slow my breath and remind myself: you are doing great, don’t worry too much. When there are people around me, I often smile, make jokes, and pretend everything is fine — while inside, a volcano of emotions is erupting in my mind and body.

What motivates me to keep going is my family. Before, it was my mother; now it is mostly my partner and my child. I also feel a responsibility, as a human being, to make my own life better and to help others feel better too. Sometimes, the price I pay for this is very high. In the past, I went through periods where I couldn’t do anything for myself because it felt selfish. If I tried, I was overwhelmed by guilt and discomfort.

By constantly putting everyone else first and myself last, I slowly drained the happiness out of my own life. I want to say clearly that making the people around me feel loved and cared for is deeply important to me — it gives me inner strength. But when I neglect myself, my mind and body suffer greatly. Balance is essential. Today, I am learning to love myself, to praise myself, and as a result, I am becoming more understanding and gentle with others as well.

I hope that when you read this, you tell yourself:
“I deserve to be calm and happy. I deserve to take a break and treat myself.”
Most people feel this way at some point — it’s not new, trendy, or unusual. If you find yourself on this exhausting roller coaster, try to stop it. Step off, even for a day, and give yourself time. I truly believe it can make a meaningful difference in your life.

I often remind myself: “It will get better.”
I hope this helped. I’m sending you a big, warm hug — and if you feel like sharing something, I’m right here.
Thank you.