Periods of life when we go missing from ourselves

 

Everything fell apart at once.

I was sick.

My child was sick.

My partner was leaving.

And I had to hold everything together.

We can handle one thing.
We can handle two.
But when everything comes at once, the system breaks.

Not because we are weak.

Because we are human.

The first red flag indicating a system breakdown was my little boy’s snot.
Not only that, but this time I felt sick too. I don’t want to say it wasn’t the perfect time — because honestly, when is it ever a good time to get sick? — but this time was worse because my partner was leaving for two weeks and I had to move in with his parents.

My whole routine was gone in seconds.

Being sick with a child in a house that does not feel like yours is a small nightmare. Along with this illness that does not allow you to breathe through your nose, my period came. How blessed I felt! My periods are painful. At least this time I was spared a bit thanks to medication.

I already knew that staying here would be difficult, but when I saw my partner leaving through the front door. 

Something inside me crashed.

And I started to cry. 

In that moment I felt lonely and insecure.

I didn’t want to talk, eat, or do anything. My mind felt blurred and I wasn’t sure what to do. I texted my therapist and she gave me advice. Then I started to arrange the closet with all the clothes I brought for those two weeks. I focused only on that task, not letting anything else into my mind. Slowly, I managed to come back to the present and started planning my next steps.

Living in another home is stressful in its own subtle ways. First, I sleep with my boy in the same room. I don’t think it’s wrong — and I do enjoy the precious moment when he wakes up, crawls into my bed with a book, and wants me to read — but I like to have my quiet time alone.

My partner’s parents smoke. Not when my boy is around, but when he is not. I don’t like the smell of it. My clothes and hair smell like cigarettes and I hate it.

I somehow cope with being a mother on another territory. It has its challenges, but it’s not unbearably difficult. Probably because since he was born we lived with my mother for the first three months until the renovation of our apartment was done, then in our apartment in Sofia, then we moved to Yasen — the small village — and from time to time we’ve stayed here in Vidin.

My biggest problem was that I was sick. Thankfully I didn’t have a fever, but I didn’t have much strength either. I did my best to stay in good enough condition to take care of my child, who was full of energy and snot.

The first night without my partner was horrible. I’m used to falling asleep in his arms and I searched for him the whole night. I woke up several times.

How did I cope? Small steps ahead.

I decided not to cook — I don’t feel comfortable doing that here — so I buy cooked food. I still take care of the meals, making sure they’re nutritious, healthy, and diverse.

I did what I love as much as possible: reading my book, a small 10–15 minute practice for my mind and body, working on the blog, and helping with our business while my boy sleeps in the afternoon. I started to involve myself in small household tasks that don’t make me feel uncomfortable.

Most of all, I was stealing time for myself. Every night I leave my boy for 15 minutes so I can take a shower, talk with my partner, and stare into space if I feel like it.

Those small steps give my mind a path.

A sense of order.

A moment to breathe.

The smallest thing I do is “steal” time to read my book while my boy plays around me. The biggest thing will probably come soon — seeing friends, maybe during the weekend.

Most importantly, I decided not to look at this period as being a victim of circumstances but as a period of growth and opportunities. Everything I do for myself — reading, small practices, writing — gives me love, gratitude, and satisfaction.

Right now, I am just a woman doing her best.

And that is enough.

If you’ve ever felt like you slowly disappeared from your own life, stay with me a little longer:

→ The clock and the list  

→ This is not for everyone