I Do Not Understand When This Happened

 

I am disappointed.

Disappointed by myself and by the fact that I let myself become what I am today.

I barely look in the mirror anymore.

I do not like my body.
I do not like the way I feel.
Some days, I do not even feel like myself.

The last three months have been a blur.

I was so busy taking care of everything and everybody else that I completely stopped taking care of me.

I stopped cooking.

I ate whatever I could, whenever I could.

I stopped exercising because there was always something more important to do.

A deadline.
A phone call.
A problem to solve.
One more thing that could not wait.

I remember days when I sat at my desk for so many hours that my legs felt numb when I finally stood up.

And somehow, I convinced myself that this was normal.

That I would rest later.

That I would take care of myself when things became less busy.

But less busy never came.

Now some of my clothes do not fit.

My cycle is late.

I feel exhausted.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

And honestly, I am scared.

Not because of a number on a scale.

Not because of a clothing size.

I am scared because I do not understand when this happened.

When did I stop recognizing myself?

When did I stop being someone worth taking care of?

The truth is, it did not happen overnight.

It happened every time I chose work over rest.

Every time I ignored the exhaustion.

Every time I told myself:

"Just one more day."

The weight is only a symptom.

The real problem is that somewhere along the way, I forgot that I matter too.

And maybe this is my wake-up call.

Not to become smaller.

Not to punish myself.

Not to hate my reflection.

But to come back to myself.

Because I miss her.

And I think it is time to find her again.

 If you’ve been feeling like this too, these might help:

• I didn’t have space to breathe
• I didn’t feel peaceful before Easter. I felt exhausted.
• The moments when you stop recognizing yourself