I didn’t have space to breathe

It was 3 am when I woke up and thought:

I can’t do this anymore.

I couldn’t breathe.
I was sick.
I was exhausted from the workload.

Pressure.
Stress.
Deadlines.

They were chasing me even in my sleep.

And then my little one got sick.
Then my partner.

It turned into an endless circle of snot and work.
Tasks and temperature.

Everything at the same time.

I felt like I was trapped in my own home.
Days passed without going outside.
Cold, rainy days. Work. Sickness.

It felt like I was suffocating.

I tried to focus on one task at a time.
To cross things off.
To reduce the pressure.
To catch my breath.

I was just waiting for the end of the month.
For the deadline to pass.
Like it would somehow free me.

Like I would finally escape the chains in my head.

But my thoughts wouldn’t stop.

I’m not a good mother. I work too much.
I’m not working enough.
I have to do more.

Guilt was everywhere I looked.

And yet…

Looking back now, I feel something else.

Pride.

I showed up.
I did my best.

It wasn’t perfect.
But it was enough.

And for that moment in my life…
I did good.

MYMESSYMIND — where healing is messy