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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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The accident

accident, little boy, sad, harm, OCD, stress


I had a lovely week. My mother came to visit us and we had a great time. She took care of my son while I was cooking delicious food for everybody. She cried a lot when I left her at the station, my heart was tearing apart. She is a wonderful mother and the best grandmother!

Unfortunately, my son had an accident. He felt from a trailer parked in our garden and hit his head on a rock. I rushed to pick him up and while hugging him I saw blood on my hand. I was so scared from the view – my boy on the ground crying. The blood on my hand made my entire body shake. My partner was right next to me trying to see where the blood was coming from. I rushed to take our documents and the car keys and went straight to the emergency.

The blood stopped when we got in the car, he stopped crying as well, but inside I was so worried that I had the feeling I will pass out. When we got to the emergency where they took care of him, told us it was not serious and glued his wound. I was somewhat relieved but I was still feeling very anxious. Funny thing, I had an appointment with my therapist an hour before that. I wrote to tell her what happened and how I blame myself. A few minutes before the accident I happened to tell my partner that I was a bit worried about leaving our son alone playing around the trailer.

I am trying not to blame myself and I am trying to think rationally. Many different intrusive thoughts are occupying my mind. My stomach hurts a lot and I want to throw up. Intrusive thoughts provoked by harm OCD are occupying my mind. I guess it was a huge stress for my body. I took a pill to help me relax and I will try different technics to help my condition.

Slowly, I start to feel better. I hope my boy is fine and we will have a calm night. I also hope that I will manage to sleep. In addition, I really pray that tomorrow I will be fine.

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