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The moments when you stop recognizing yourself

  One day I woke up and felt different. I could not say why — it was just a feeling living somewhere inside me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was me, a tired version, but still me. Yet something within me did not feel the same. Something had changed, and I could almost see how this other person was trying to get out and live my life. I told myself it was just a period and it would pass. I thought that once I took a break, I would return to myself again. But weeks later there was still no time to rest. And slowly, the other person began living my life. This person was nervous, anxious, and a bit mean. Unsatisfied, raising his voice, reacting with negativity. Impatient, not particularly kind, tolerating nothing and no one. Patience simply did not exist for him. I did not want him there, but I did not have the strength to fight him. The exhaustion was too big. Inside, I felt confused, disgusted, and ashamed of my actions. I felt lonely and misunders...
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The evening after the accident

 

intrusive thoughts,messy mind,stress,OCD

I feel a mess. My OCD, my intrusive thoughts do not give a second of peace. I barely can take a breath. My stomach hurts badly; I cannot eat or drink anything. I feel sick all the time. My lips are very dry.

My hands are shaking, I feel cold and sleepy at the same time, I cannot imagine going to bed. I try to do different things but I am very emotional now so I cannot focus on anything or if I do, it is just for couple of minutes. After that, it is just the same or even worse.

I talked to my therapist again; we wrote online too, however, I could not calm down. As soon as I feel better, somebody calls to ask questions about my boy and I am living this nightmare again.

I have a strange feeling on the back of my head. It tingles. I have this “waves” around my body when an intrusive thought comes and scare me. I have not experienced this in months. I feel a bit lost as if I am not sure how to handle everything. It almost feels like a first time experience and at the same time, I remember those moments back in the days. I know it is just now, just this moment, the emotion that needs to go away but it is not that easy. Not easy at all. I struggle, I suffer, I see how my partner is struggling with my condition and I hate to do this to him.

Having an OCD is a complete nightmare. These days I was even thinking to stop my pills entirely. This night there is no chance anybody could convince me to do that. I will continue with them, I will include the second one for a week or two and I hope to feel better as soon as possible. I hope tomorrow will be a better, healthier day for me.

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