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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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The evening after the accident

 

intrusive thoughts,messy mind,stress,OCD

I feel a mess. My OCD, my intrusive thoughts do not give a second of peace. I barely can take a breath. My stomach hurts badly; I cannot eat or drink anything. I feel sick all the time. My lips are very dry.

My hands are shaking, I feel cold and sleepy at the same time, I cannot imagine going to bed. I try to do different things but I am very emotional now so I cannot focus on anything or if I do, it is just for couple of minutes. After that, it is just the same or even worse.

I talked to my therapist again; we wrote online too, however, I could not calm down. As soon as I feel better, somebody calls to ask questions about my boy and I am living this nightmare again.

I have a strange feeling on the back of my head. It tingles. I have this “waves” around my body when an intrusive thought comes and scare me. I have not experienced this in months. I feel a bit lost as if I am not sure how to handle everything. It almost feels like a first time experience and at the same time, I remember those moments back in the days. I know it is just now, just this moment, the emotion that needs to go away but it is not that easy. Not easy at all. I struggle, I suffer, I see how my partner is struggling with my condition and I hate to do this to him.

Having an OCD is a complete nightmare. These days I was even thinking to stop my pills entirely. This night there is no chance anybody could convince me to do that. I will continue with them, I will include the second one for a week or two and I hope to feel better as soon as possible. I hope tomorrow will be a better, healthier day for me.

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