The evening after the accident

I feel like a mess.

My OCD and intrusive thoughts don’t give me a second of peace. I can barely breathe. My stomach hurts badly, and I can’t eat or drink anything. I feel sick all the time. My lips are dry.

My hands are shaking. I feel cold and sleepy at the same time, but I can’t even imagine going to bed.

I try to distract myself, to do different things, but I’m too emotional to focus. And even when I manage to, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. Then everything comes back — the same, or even worse.

I spoke with my therapist again. We also texted, but I couldn’t calm down. Every time I start to feel a little better, someone calls to ask about my boy, and I’m pulled right back into this nightmare.

I feel a strange sensation at the back of my head — a tingling. Waves run through my body when an intrusive thought hits and scares me. I haven’t felt this in months.

I feel lost.

It’s like I don’t know how to handle this anymore. At the same time, it feels like the first time… and also like I’ve been here before.

I know it’s just a moment. Just a wave. Just a feeling that will pass.

But it’s not easy.

Not at all.

I struggle. I suffer. And I see how my partner struggles with me, and I hate that.

Living with OCD can feel like a complete nightmare.

These days, I even thought about stopping my medication completely.

But tonight… there’s no way.

I will continue. I will take the second medication again for a week or two, and I hope it helps.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better, healthier day.

If the evening made everything feel louder and harder to handle:

→ When your mind is loud but you keep going  

→ OCD as a reminder of the present