Back and forth

 

Do you ever experience dramatic mood swings when it comes to the way you see yourself?

One day, I look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. I notice my eyes, my features, the shape of my body, and I feel comfortable in my own skin.

Then, the very next day, I look at the same reflection and wonder how everything went so terribly wrong.

Nothing has actually changed overnight. My body is the same. My face is the same. And yet, the way I see myself can feel completely different.

I find this strange, frustrating, and sometimes even a little amusing. How can I love myself one day and barely stand to look in the mirror the next?

Lately, I have been trying to learn how to appreciate my body as it is now—not only when it looks the way I want it to.

After my pregnancy, I became incredibly fit. I was probably in the best shape of my life. I exercised regularly, paid attention to what I ate, and felt strong and confident.

Then my son started kindergarten, I returned to the office, and slowly I lost control of my routine.

Work, parenting, cooking, cleaning, illnesses from kindergarten, teaching, appointments, and the endless number of small things that need to be remembered began filling every part of my day.

Food became something I grabbed when I had time. Workouts became something I promised myself I would do tomorrow.

Tomorrow became next week.

And next week became months.

I still struggle to manage everything. The desire to take care of myself is there, but sometimes the energy, time, and discipline simply are not.

Recently, I became interested in the female cycle and the way hormonal changes may influence our mood, energy, appetite, confidence, and even the way we see ourselves in the mirror.

It made me wonder how many times I have judged my body during a difficult day, without realizing that my perception might have been influenced by exhaustion, stress, or the phase of my cycle.

Maybe not every negative thought deserves to be believed.

Maybe sometimes the mirror is not showing me something different. Maybe I am simply looking at myself through a different emotional filter.

I suppose this is another period of my life in which I am trying to balance too many things at once.

And perhaps the solution is not to become stricter with myself.

Perhaps I need to breathe more, demand less, and stop treating a few extra kilograms as though they are a personal failure.

At the moment, we are renovating the house we bought. At the same time, another house needs some smaller renovations so that we can temporarily move there and live in the city, closer to Veni’s parents.

The idea is that being closer to them will make everyday life a little easier and help us catch up with everything that has been piling up.

I love living in the village. I love the quiet, the space, and the feeling of being away from the noise.

But village life also takes time in ways people do not always notice. Every drive, every appointment, every forgotten item, and every small task becomes more complicated.

Right now, I need to save some of that time and give it back to myself.

I need more space for my well-being, not just more space for work and responsibilities.

I often imagine a different kind of morning.

I wake up very early, before everyone else. I put on my headphones and go jogging by the river while listening to music. The streets are quiet, the air is fresh, and for a little while, nobody needs anything from me.

Then I come home, do a short workout, take a shower, and have breakfast with my family before getting ready for the day.

It sounds simple, but to me, it feels almost luxurious.

Not because jogging or breakfast are extraordinary, but because in that version of my life, I have time to exist before I begin taking care of everything and everyone else.

I honestly believe that self-care has to become a priority.

Not the polished version of self-care we often see online, with expensive products, perfect morning routines, and beautifully arranged breakfasts.

I mean the basic kind.

Moving your body.

Eating food that gives you energy.

Drinking enough water.

Sleeping when you are tired.

Going outside.

Being careful about the thoughts you allow to repeat in your mind.

Most people neglect these things, and I am definitely one of them.

I am trying to teach myself that my body is not simply something that needs to look good. It carries me through every busy day. It allows me to work, teach, raise my child, renovate homes, cook meals, and keep going even when I feel completely exhausted.

It deserves care, not constant criticism.

One unexpected result of living with OCD and intrusive thoughts is that I have become very conscious of the way I speak to myself.

I know how easily a thought can begin circling in the mind, becoming louder and more convincing each time it returns.

So I am trying to choose my words more carefully.

Instead of saying, “I have ruined my body,” I can say, “My body has changed during a demanding period of my life.”

Instead of saying, “I have no discipline,” I can say, “My routine no longer fits my current life.”

Instead of saying, “I need to fix myself,” I can ask, “What do I need in order to feel better?”

I am still moving back and forth.

Some days I feel beautiful, capable, and hopeful. Other days, I notice every flaw and feel as though I have completely lost myself.

But perhaps progress does not mean never having those difficult days again.

Perhaps it means no longer allowing them to define the way I see myself.

My body is not a problem that needs to be solved.

It is simply asking me to listen.

And maybe, instead of waiting until my life becomes less complicated, I need to start caring for myself somewhere in the middle of the chaos.

Do you also experience these changes in the way you see yourself? And what helps you feel at home in your body again?

Share Your Story

Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt completely different from the person you saw the day before?

I would love to hear about your experience with body image, self-care, motherhood, mental load, or simply trying to feel like yourself again.

Your story matters, and it may help someone else feel a little less alone.

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