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This Is Not for Everyone

  I am not here seeking admiration or devotion. I am here to be — and to show others that this way of being is not scary. I write because it is my salvation from messy thoughts and overwhelming days. Writing puts my mind in order. It gives me space for self-love and for catching my breath. I cannot be here all the time. Actually, I probably could — but I do not want to. I do not want to pay the price of viral fame. I do not want to lose myself in the illusion of the world around me. I do not want to forget where it all started or lose the ground under my feet. Being able to disappear is a necessity for me. It allows me to rest, to recharge, and to stay focused and calm. I disappear from the noise. From expectations. From the pressure that tells you that if you do not constantly do more, you will lose track or fail. When I come back, I see the world more clearly. Without pink glasses. Without dark thoughts taking over. I feel grounded again. I can look at...
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All in my mind (eye situation)

Eye,intrusive thoughts,stress,anxiety,OCD
As I previously wrote, my boyfriend and I try to make our garden a better place. All of this takes a lot of time, effort and money. We truly enjoy the work and try to do most of it on our own. I love that we are learning new things. After the “hammer situation”, I had to do more things at home and everything concerning our child. It was difficult, both emotionally and physically. Another lovely surprise was that we all got sick. My little one (2 yo) was sick for the first time, but it was not that bad and I did not get extremely worried.

I do not know why but lately everything that we have started has been on a pause. Different reasons from everybody, but this has put us in a situation where we could not finish the space in the garden where my boyfriend will fix his motorcycle and my baby boy will be playing. In addition, it is getting colder and we have not changed the heating system, so the temperature in our bedroom sometimes is 16.8 degrees, which I find cold (especially when you are sick)! Now, suddenly, everything is almost happening in one day, which leads to a lot of stress.

When my boyfriend hit his hand with the hammer, it was almost dark and we were so tired. We made a promise not to go so far because our health is most important. This time it was dark and we barely could see anything but we were cleaning in front of our garage. My boyfriend was using a headlamp to help dig soil that he was putting in a wheelbarrow. Our little boy was playing next to us. It was so dark; I almost hit my eye in the corner of the wheelbarrow. It happened twice and I got mad. I immediately stopped and told my boyfriend that this is stupid and unnecessary. He agreed.

We put everything back in the house. Came in, took showers, everything was fine, until it hit my mind. Some intrusive thoughts started about my eye. I was so tired of work I could not think straight. Thought after thought, different scenarios, making me feel uncomfortable. I looked myself in the mirror and saw nothing wrong, but my mind just did not want to let me go. I talked about it with my boyfriend, it helped just a bit. What actually helps me is now writing about it.

This is what OCD makes me believe. Something that is not true. I still cannot find the right words to express it but I will do my best in the future. I hope others understand us better and be more supportive.

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