The Self I Lost Access To

 

I don’t feel like myself anymore.

And I miss her.

I realized I was missing me when I stopped recognizing myself.

My body became a routine.

My mind — a list.

And my days — survival.

And somewhere along the way, I lost access to myself.

There was a time when I woke up, brushed my teeth, and went for a morning workout — a gentle exercise for the body and mind.
It made me feel present, ready for the day.

Then I cooked breakfast.

Calm.

No pressure.

Early mornings gave me a slow start to the day, a blessing.

Later, I did strength training, enjoying the energy and power of my body.
I cooked healthy meals, worked a lot, and stayed calm.
Even when something went wrong, I could handle it and stay focused.

I felt the love from me to me.
Proud to take care of my mind and body, doing something for myself that made me more kind, more present, more loving — and everyone around me benefited from that.

And then one day, I woke up — same mind, different body — and everything felt wrong.
I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, and I didn’t like the person living under my skin.

It was me.

But it didn’t feel like me.

I was covered in a fog of fear, tasks, and stress.
A chaos of rushing and doing.
And through the door went everything — my patience, my presence, my love for myself.

It all became: “just this period to pass, and I’ll be back.”
But every day, it became harder to be myself, to enjoy myself, to be the version I could be.
I can’t point to one thing — work, motherhood, responsibilities — maybe it’s the perfect cocktail of obstacles that occupied my space and put me last on the list.

I’m trying to catch my breath.
Trying to get back on track.
Trying to feel like that me again.

I miss her.

I miss me.

I miss the strong feeling of being a powerful woman.
I miss the peace in my mind, and the way my body felt — the gratitude of being taken care of.

Now it feels less like living and more like moving on.

Like a device being charged just enough to keep going.

Not to live.

Just to function.

She was braver.
She knew her boundaries.
She had an unquenchable thirst for life.

With small everyday steps, without unnecessary pressure or unrealistic goals, I am slowly finding my way back to her.
Back to the love, the peace of mind, and the power in my body.

New lessons will be learned.
New love for myself and for the people close to me will bloom.
A new chapter will start — the cycle of life, where there is no perfection, just raw emotion and experience.

And if I lose myself again,

I will find my way back.

Again.

Because I know how much I can give to others when I feel good and take care of myself.

 

If this felt like losing touch with who you are, stay with me a little longer:

→ The clock and the list  

→ I’m not gone